For reasons that never really become clear, N is almost two full weeks late exiting my body. Kid does NOT want to give up the 24-7 placenta buffet.
Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Anyway, right. The squatter in my uterus. I stop working a week or so before my due date, to have some time to get my shit together around the house. Little do I know that week will become THREE WEEKS of doing nothing. You can only take so many naps and watch so much Hulu and bake so many cobblers and take so many waddly walks before you start to lose it. I even paid money to rent the movie Loverboy, which I’m certain is a chapter of Kyra Sedgwick’s career that she’d like to forget. I certainly would.
Throughout those weeks, I get emails and calls asking if anything’s happened. And then I get more emails and more calls. And every day that goes by, I get facebook posts: “did it happen yet?” “what’s happening?” “any news?” “baby?” Don’t get me wrong, I truly appreciate everyone’s interest and love and concern. But you get to a point when you’re as big as a house and it’s still SO humid in this swamp and you feel cooped up but you don’t have the energy to un-coop yourself, and you just can’t. take it. anymore.
It gets to the point where if I call anyone, they think I’m in labor, and if I DON’T call, they also think I’m in labor.
So: in what I hope will be a service to the many, many women who will go long past their due dates, here’s my list of the top five things NOT to say to a woman who finds herself pregnant at 42 weeks:
5) “Are you STILL pregnant?” No, asshole. Seriously?
4) “Sleep while you can!” SHUT UP. Sleep is not cumulative. You cannot store it up like a fucking camel. (But that would be awesome. Let’s get on that, science).
3) “Have you tried spicy food/sex/walking/yoga ball bouncing/stairs/pineapple/prayer/hypnosis/talking to your unborn baby/raspberry leaf tea/evening primrose oil/?” None of those are real, none of them work, they are all old wives’ tales. And yes, I have tried them all.
2) “My baby was…a) early b) right on time, or c) way later than yours.” Regardless, I hate you.
1) “Enjoy this time! Everything is about to change!” Really?? This is BRAND NEW INFORMATION. Thanks. Now go away before I punch you in the throat.
The ONLY right thing to say:
“I am sending you a lasagna and a magnum of wine. In the mail.”